The song Me Myself & I by Beyonce used to be a mantra of mine. As I was coming out of my silly days as a college student and being more picky with the men I shared my time with, I heard this song and wrapped my mind around the strong idea that my newfound standards in men might just leave me single for life. In the song, Beyonce somberly sings, “I know that I will never disappoint myself,” and beckons for her legion of single ladies to deal during the man drought that awaits a girl in her mid to late 20s.
Solitude and isolation are states that many of us ladies are far too familiar with. In my dating droughts, it seemed that I was OK. I had a good job, bought a home and a bright future. Though I had learned to be a little more discriminate than I was in my early 20s, my loneliness was still causing me to make bad decisions. I was still giving the wrong parts of my self to the wrong people. In turn, I was subjecting myself to long bouts of isolation and solitude, disguising it as “working on me.” This vicious cycle ended, by the grace of God, when I began to learn that life by myself is not what God wants from me. He wants us all to have healthy, solid relationships. He wants us to be fulfilled, and not lonely. He cares that we cry alone at night sometimes. Having a boyfriend didn’t solve that feeling, but loving God sure did.
It is becoming glamorous to be single and emotion-less. If you watch 106 & Park on BET, you will notice that many female artists are adopting the pimpish lifestyle that men adopted. They are having random sex, without feeling (so they think) and not even expecting to have a meaningful relationship with a man. I tried the Sex & The City dating lifestyle for a while, and let me tell you, thinking that you can date around with no emotional and physical repercussions is a lie. No matter how hard core and heartless you think you are, the heart doesn’t lie. Once your body is involved with another’s body, it is like a string attaches you to them forever.
So what does the Bible say about singleness, desperate and lonely women? Lot’s daughters are two women who panicked during a perceived man drought and made a bad decision. After being delivered from Sodom and Gomorrah, a place full of sin, they noticed that they were the only ones left. “One day the older daughter said to the younger, ‘Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father’”(Genesis 19:31-32). Okay, so you may not have resorted to sleeping with your dad, but ladies, how many of us have been delivered from being in a terrible state, yet still believes that God will not take care of you? Many ladies today are coming up with all kinds of theories about dating: they want to be cougars, they want to only date men who make a certain amount of money, they only want men with a degree, they want to be lesbian or bisexual, they only call a man back after 10 days, etc. These theories that women are coming up with are causing us to do stupid and silly things out of desperation and not out of God’s will.
Imagine what Lot’s daughters had been through. They lived in a wicked, sexually immoral society (some of us can say we live there too), God just destroyed city in a horrific way by setting it on fire, and their mother, who could not let go of their past, had just been turned into a pillar of salt; it looked like it was the end of the world for them! Was it out of line for them to think that there was a possibility that they would not be able to have children? No. What they did wrong was not learn to wait on God. These ladies were the descendants of Abraham and Sarah who (hello!) had children well into their 90s and 100s. Without the use of fertility drugs. Would God really bring them (or you) out of mess and not provide a way to continue on? Just because we can’t see the solution, it doesn’t mean there is no solution! Just because statistics say that the older a woman gets, the less likely she will get married and have kids, it doesn’t mean that you are destined to loneliness and isolation. Taking things into your own hands is certainly a way to end up unhappy.
So what is the repercussion of Lot’s daughters having these children, Moab and Benammi, with their father. Well, these children spawned tribes that become enemies of Israel. In fact, Deuteronomy 23:3 says,” No Ammonite or Moabite or any of his descendants may enter the assembly of the LORD, even down to the tenth generation.” The descendants of these children were not allowed to fraternize with the Israelites for 10 generations. We know that these kids were genetically mixed up. But think about emotionally and spiritually how mixed up they were due to the fact that their grandfather was their dad? Now think how many children are all messed up because their parents brought themselves together, and not God.
What are the consequences and repercussions of us making our own decisions when it comes to dating? Do we make our own selves more miserable than necessary? Being single is so different than being lonely. I missed out on so much time with my extended family, my church, volunteering and being around young people who needed me, worrying about whether I’d have a man or not. We are excepting loneliness, instead of waiting on God to assign us to those who need us the most. I am afraid that these thinly-veiled songs celebrating singleness are really pushing women into more loneliness and isolation. Nothing, not even childbirth at the age of 90, is impossible for God. I am sure if you pray for God for people to fill your life, your home will be full!