By Steven J. Dixon
Submission is not something that you make someone do. Submission is someone agreeing to follow the leadership of another person. They submit to that leadership. Therefore, if you want someone to submit to your leadership, you must first prove to them that you are a worthy leader. We don’t have enough men that are leaders in their marriages, families or homes. Men, if you don’t know how to lead, you need to sit down somewhere and work on you. Get you right and then maybe a woman will chose to trust you with her life. Understand that a woman trusting a man with her life is also submission. Why should she trust you? Who are you? What have you done? What can you do for her? Will her life be better with you at the helm? If you can’t improve the quality of a woman’s life, you are not fit to be her leader or to be submitted to. (Women, I am not only talking about money here. I am going to get to y’all in a second.)
As a matter of fact, let me get to y’all right now because I know that y’all are already hi-fiving each other. Independence does not mean you don’t need a man. It only means that you don’t need a man to pay your bills. That doesn’t mean that you are more of a woman. In fact, money has nothing to do with how much of a woman you are at all. As a single man, I found some of the women I dated that had the most money, were “less of a woman” than some of the sisters that weren’t as financially fit because they felt that they didn’t have to do certain things for their man, who is now somebody else’s man. The woman gaining her financial independence could be the worst thing that has ever happen to marriage. Cuz y’all don’t know how to be the bread winner and be submissive at the same time. We are going to straighten all that out right now.
Submission Example #1: Scene: The kitchen has been left dirty the last couple of nights.
Adam walks in the house and says “Look here Eve, from now on, I will take care of the kitchen Mondays and Wednesdays and I would like for you to take care of the kitchen on Tuesdays and Thursdays.” Eve says “Nah Buddy, every Tuesday night you know I have my book club meeting with the girls.” Adam accepts new data and makes a better decision that works for both Adam and Eve “Going forth, I shall take care of the kitchen on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I would like for you to take care of the kitchen on Mondays and Wednesdays.” Eve accepts these new terms because Adam has taken her needs under consideration. Adam does not need to come to Eve and discuss this scenario first. As long as he is fair, he is the leader, he can make the decision on his own. Adam and Eve both have two days to take care of the kitchen; that is fair. If Adam would have said 1 day for him and 2 days for Eve, that is unfair and that is not the way God intended submission to work. Adam is to take his wife’s needs into consideration before making a final decision. He did that.
Independence Example #1: Scene: Wife wants new car.
Wife buys new car. She buys new car without consulting her husband first. She can afford the new car; she doesn’t need a dime of his money. Wifey is smelling herself, she is tripping. You can’t just go and buy a new car without consulting your husband (The husband cannot do this either. No double standard.) All couples should set some type of limitation on the amount of money to spend without first gaining the approval of a spouse. When the woman buys a car without the input of a man what you have done now is made that man feel un-needed and un-necessary. Maybe that was your intent but when he is un-faithful don’t act like you were the perfect wife. All of us need to feel needed and necessary. It is especially important that couples are open and honest with each other when communicating about potential problem areas.
Submission Example #2: Scene: Babygirl comes home from college with an engagement ring on.
Babygirl asks Momma to ask Dad for $20,000 for the wedding. Momma evaluates the finances and decides that $20,000 is doable and proceeds to gain the approval of Dad. Mom makes the request to Dad. Dad thinks the $20K is too much and wants to give $10K. They are at an impasse. After a week of deliberation Dad decides to give Babygirl $15K for the wedding. How should mom handle dad’s decision?
A.) Mom should accept Dad’s decision because he is the leader and she is confident in his leadership, she is confident that he will make the best decision for the family.
B.) Mom should accept Dad’s decision because he is the leader and she is confident in his leadership, she is confident that he will make the best decision for the family.
C.) Either A or B or both A and B are correct.
Dad was fair in his decision making. He decided to give what was exactly in the middle of what he wanted to give and what mom wanted to give. If he would have decided to give $12,500 he would have had to clearly justify his decision. But with Dad meeting mom in the middle, a justification is not necessary. What is necessary is for Eve to trust Adam. What is necessary is for Eve to trust Adam even if Eve is the bread winner.
Independence Example #2: Scene: Eve is the bread winner.
Ladies Repeat after me: What is necessary is for Eve to trust Adam even if Eve is the bread winner. The fact that Eve makes more money than Adam has nothing to do with the marriage or structure of marriage. As I stated earlier, leadership is not based on money or being a man (as I stated earlier). This is not to state that a woman cannot lead, it is to state that a woman cannot lead a man . . . not a real man anyway . . . maybe that lil boy that you got . . . maybe he is ah . . . hold up, I am tripping. Don’t print that Essence. If money means that much to you, go and buy yourself a husband that listens. If money means that much to you go lead a woman. If money means that much to you wait until you find a man that makes more money than you do to get married. (Understand that making more money than the last guy doesn’t mean that he will be a better husband than the last guy. Ask Elin Woods.)
Men want women who are both submissive and independent. Why can’t we have both? (I got both at home! HA! Suckas!) I believe that every woman has it in them to be both, it’s just a matter of knowing when to submit and know when to be independent this article is about providing you with examples to do just that. Women, do not submit to a man that you are not married to. Do not marry a man that you cannot submit to. Do not submit to a man that has not first submitted himself to God. If this whole submission thang is not working believe me it’s not the act of submission that is causing the problem. It is you and him. Somebody is crazy. Any questions?
Mechelle Phillips, Houston, TX – “As a single mother, money management is my strength. I make it a point to stick to my budget, invest, save and live below my means. What if I’m better suited than my future husband, to oversee the household finances? Why should he lead when I’m stronger in this area?”
~ As a man, after knowing God, the next person that you need to know is your woman. If your woman is better with money than you are BOW DOWN & BAG BACK! If my wife was an accountant I would gladly handover my check and checkbook and start negotiating on my allowance. A leader doesn’t know everything, a leader knows what he doesn’t know and delegates accordingly. A leader does not have to make all of the decisions, but the leader is responsible for all of the decisions.
Tamara Glaspie, Dallas, TX – “I manage people all day, and I excel at it. Why can’t I manage my marriage? How am I supposed to come home from a day of telling people what to do & how to do it, and be told what to do?”
~ A woman cannot lead a man. I am not trying to imply that a woman is not smart enough or is incapable. The problem is not the leadership skills of the woman. Man is raised to protect woman. If I got to protect you then you can’t be the Boss of me. Can a woman protect herself? Absolutely, but to lead, you have to be able to protect you and those that follow you. Believe me, you don’t want that responsibility. In relationships where the roles are reversed, either the man ends up feeling like he is less of a man or the woman ends up feeling like he is less of a man.
Steven James Dixon is a Husband, Relationship Expert and Author of the hot new book “Men Don’t Heal, We Ho – A Book About the Emotional Instability of Men.” The book is a surefire conversation starter. Since the release of Steven’s book he has toured the country spreading his positive message and challenging men to heal from broken relationships.
“Men Don’t Heal, We Ho – A Book About the Emotional Instability of Men” is now available on Relationship Beast.
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