By Ron Holland
For years I was trapped in an abusive relationship. Oh, you wouldn’t have known it because of the smile on my face. But deep inside, I was screaming and in pain. Why? Why me?!!
In recent years, the abuse has gotten worse. I would wake up in the morning filled with dread. I would always whisper to myself, “What will this day bring?” Some of you will never know what it’s like to walk on egg shells everyday. “Did I do things right?” “Am I loving enough?” “Am I doing my part in this relationship?” These are the things I’m required to ask everyday and it’s nauseating. Do you know what it’s like having your loyalty, love and faithfulness tested ALL the time?
Can you imagine existing only to please the one you love and to have that love constantly questioned? There’s a lot of pain in my heart as I share this publicly. But hopefully my story will help somebody. Now look, days and weeks would go by without incident. But there was always trepidation in my heart because I knew something else was coming. Living with this kind of uncertainty is really stressful because you never know if you’re living up to expectations despite your best efforts.
Now let me be honest, there were days that I felt like royalty. Everything would go right. I felt safe and secure. There would be long stretches of happiness. Things would be absolutely perfect. And then… Boom! Like a ton of bricks, I had to suffer through another round of abuse and battering. I had to placate insecurities. I had to endure test after test and still more tests to prove my love and worth. During these moments I was made to feel dirty. I was always told that my good isn’t good enough. I was told my past isn’t being held against me, but I’m constantly reminded of how filthy I really am. This verbal abuse made me a wreck.
These were really bad days because everything was my fault. Despite all of my years of love and faithfulness, I had to endure the pain of knowing that I’m not measuring up. Interestingly, I would watch others in this kind of abusive relationship and it would sicken me to hear them blame themselves for how they were being treated.
Now, I acknowledge that I’m not perfect. I’ve done some things that would arouse anger. But I’m a good person. I’m loving. I’m faithful. I give my heart, time and I’ve made tons of sacrifices. I’ve promised to do right, be right, and act right and I have. Yet, the battering continued. And what’s worse, I was told by others who were experiencing similar abuse, “be glad you have food on the table and a roof over your head.”
For me this amounted to an emotional bribery that is mean and sadistic. I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. No one deserves this kind of treatment. This kind of emotional torture is depressing and I would go days wondering what I’ve done wrong – again! So I’ve finally decided to leave my abuser. I’ve grown tired of the tests. I’ve grown weary of the insecurities about my love, loyalty and faithfulness. I’ve grown tired of wondering what’s coming next or what’s lurking around the corner.
So yes, I’ve left my abuser. I’ve FINALLY walked away from the god I was taught about and have come to love the GOD I know. What I’ve come to realize is that all of my experiences – the ups and downs, the obstacles, pitfalls, struggles; the heartache and pain, the losses, disappointment, despair; the joy, happiness, victories; and triumphs, is LIFE! There’s no cosmic interference from an often angry, jealous, insecure and abusive god who needs constant reassurance of my love and loyalty. There’s no sadistic entity peeling back the ceiling of the Universe hurling his wrath, interfering in the affairs of man; tinkering with the electronic parts of my car, physically moving tractor trailers out of my way to avoid a tragic accident or burrowing deep into my biological structure to tamper with the intricacies of my health and bodily functions.
The GOD I know, the Creator of the Universe, is not some sick, twisted and insecure entity that physically interferes with Earth’s weather patterns to punish humanity for its behaviors. Truth is, nearly all planets in the Universe have weather patterns more violent than what we experience here on Earth. Anyway, the GOD I’ve come to know and love has empowered us to endure life’s many challenges. He’s more than adequately equipped us for the journey we call life. So when our challenges become more than we can handle, he whispers to our spirit to push forward and journey ahead.
No, the GOD I love, the Creator of the Universe, doesn’t peel back the ceiling of the Universe and physically intervenes in the affairs of man. During our creation, he planted deep within our DNA, physical structure and mind the ability to think, create, endure and adapt to life’s bevy of challenges.
And as I’ve said recently, the GOD I love and celebrate isn’t partial to one particular religion. GOD is neither Fundamentalist, Conservative, Liberal, fanatic or extremist. GOD isn’t a Christian. GOD isn’t a Muslim. GOD isn’t a Jew. GOD isn’t a Jehovah’s Witness, Hindu, Universalist, Baptist, Pentecostal, Mormon or any of Man’s silly labels. GOD isn’t Republican or Democrat. GOD isn’t impressed with Right Wing or Liberal politics. GOD isn’t enamored with the United States Constitution, a Flag of any nation, a theocratic or democratic society.
Religion, schism-driven doctrine, dictums, creeds and traditions are all Man’s invention. These are Man’s petty divisions. These awful divides inspires belligerence, fuels intolerance and arouse an exclusivity that contradicts a Holy and loving GOD. The GOD I celebrate is far beyond man’s perceptions and concepts. He’s too big to be captured in a book, Sunday sermon or theological construction.
So yes, I’ve left the abusive and insecure god of my youth and for most of my adulthood. The god I was taught about is abusive, vindictive and requires constant reassurance of my love and loyalty. The GOD I’ve come to know and love is far beyond what I’ve been taught. And as I’ve said often, there’s nothing wrong with GOD, it’s what we’ve been taught about god that presents the problem.
Though “PURE LOVE” is still too inadequate a phrase to describe the essence and characteristic of GOD, it’s all my feeble mind can grasp or conceive and there’s no abuse in our relationship.
Ron Holland is the host of the Public Affairs show, ‘COMMUNITY VOICES’ on WPZS -100.9 & 92.7 FM, Charlotte. He’s also a Producer and Board Operator for WOSF – Old School 105.3 FM. Ron is also a Production Assistant with all three stations.
